Nocturnal Transmissions

For the longest time I’ve been curious as to why, when I wake up, the bedroom has been re-arranged. I go to bed with my glasses and other small objects on the nightstand, and in the morning they are all on the floor.

More than once I’ve awakened to find a pillow over my face.

I’ve also been having these really vivid dreams where I feel cold steel pressed against my head.

It turns out I snore, at least according to my wonderful, tired wife.

I’ve done some research into this and the problem is apparently with my soft pilots. Pilates? Something like that. Software pirates maybe. Anyway, I guess it relaxes when I fall asleep, and my punching bag, or ‘ovulate’, starts flapping around back there, causing snoring.

I happen to know how frustrating snoring can be from personal experience.

It was on a fishing trip up the coast in a friend’s cabin cruiser. We would fish all day and after the dinner and serious drinking was taken care of, we would sleep on board our anchored accommodation. Did I mention it was a fairly small boat?

One of our companions was a fellow named George, who drank heavily, and had teeth that slept in a jar at night.

Now when George fell asleep, pretty much everything north of his nipples relaxed, fell down his throat and vibrated…Loudly!. Our entire evening sounded something like this:

“George…hey George”

“Huh?”

“You’re snoring – shut up”

“OK”

30 seconds later…

“George hey George”

“Huh?”

“You’re snoring”

“OK”

And so on. All night. We didn’t get much sleep. I don’t think they recovered the body, and I know my fishing friend still misses that spare outboard motor. I know I miss my sock.

So knowing how loud a guy can snore, I feel genuine compassion for my long-suffering wife. She’s in the basement right now cleaning the guns. That’s twice this week, bless her.

Here’s another thing. I offered to let her use my sound canceling headphones (the ones I use when mowing the lawn) and my idea was rejected! They work great, and I can’t understand why anyone would get so upset with such a generous offer. I know she wouldn’t be able to turn her head when wearing them, but isn’t that a small price to pay for relief from this supposed noise I create?

Oh, now that’s funny. What is that radio doing so near the bathtub? Darn kids…

I’m not even entirely convinced it is me doing the snoring. Our dog Lucy is getting to an age where she gurgles a lot too. When she starts dreaming of chasing rabbits or badgers or whatever, she really gets into it. Barking, yipping, thrashing her legs around. She has a real party at times, and if my dear wife can sleep through that then what’s the problem?

My wife is sharpening the knives again – it must be dinner so I have to go. See you around.

“Say Honey, do these pork chops taste funny to you?"