Getting to No You

"Dad, can I get a BB gun?"
"No."
"Can I get a knife?"
"No."
"Can I get some new, baggy jeans?"
"No."
"What about this toy?"
"No."
"Dad, is 'No' all you ever say?"
"No."
"Have you ever said 'Yes' to one of my requests?"
"No."
"Will there ever come a time when you say yes to one of my boyhood desires?"
"Yes."
"Yay!  I got a yes! Will you be answering yes to all my questions from now on?"
"No."
"In a different part of the mall, maybe?"
"No."
"Later today?"
"No."
"Tomorrow?"
"No."
"Come on, Dad, these conversations are becoming predictable.  All I ever do is ask for stuff and all you ever say is no.  I don't even know why I try anymore.  Do you?"
"No."
"There you go again.  I can't win, can I?"
"No."
"I still think it's cruel to only say 'no' all the time, don't you?"
"No."
"Can you at least give me some hope, something to look forward to?  Will you ever say yes to any of my polite requests?"
"No."
"What if I give you one of my patented, adorable, pouty child looks?"
"No."
"Dad, I have an important question.  Do you love me?"
"Yes.  With all my heart."
"Then why do you always say ‘No’ to me?”
“It’s an economy thing.  Saves energy.  And money.”
“I’m glad you love me, Dad.  Can we go get some ice cream now?"
"No."
“Dad, let’s switch to ‘Yes’ mode – it’s much more positive.  I am a growing boy and I need positive influences in my life.  It will help with my self esteem.  So – do you think we can start saying ‘Yes’ now, Dad?”
“Yes.”
“Good.  Now – about my requests – are you prepared to exert a more positive attitude towards my development?”
“Yes.”
“Does that mean saying ‘Yes’ from time to time?”
“No.”
“Are you going to say ‘No’ to me the next time I ask for something?”
“Yes.”
“Let me re-phrase that last question.  If I were to ask you for a new bike, would you answer the question with a ‘No’?”
“Yes.”
“I’m confused.  Did you just say Yes or No to my question?”
“Yes.”
“You’re tricky.  I messed up the question didn’t I?  I asked for a bike, and I asked if you would answer the question with a no and you said yes, right?”
“Yes.”
“So I blew it didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“You grown-ups are cruel, you know that?  You always twist around what we’re trying to say.  Are you going to do that until I’m in college?”
“Yes.”
“Dad, do you ever say no?”
“Yes.”
“I want to go home, where you’ll probably tickle me while we watch manly car shows, won’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Any way to avoid being tickled?”
“No.”
“You’re puckering up your lips again, Dad.  Do I have to kiss you out here in public?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ever refuse to give you a kiss?”
“No.”
“Will you kiss me when I’m a sullen teenager?”
“Yes.”
“In public?”
“Yes.”
“Really?  Will I get all embarrassed?”
“Yes.”
“You haven’t figured out a way to end this column, have you Dad?”
“No.”
“Maybe just give me a kiss and we can go home.”
“Aww, do we have to go home?”
“Yes, Dad.”
“Can’t we stay a little longer?”
“No.”