Playing Goff

I love how the golf announcers on TV pronounce it that way - goff. "That was a good goff shot Johnny" they say.

Like it could be described as a good hockey shot instead...

Or "That was a good goff shot for a base hit there Johnny..."

These guys are masters (ha) of the obvious.

Anyway, I'm working on a column about swatting small white spheroids with a weighted stick.

I recall the first time I ever swung a club. I was in my mid-twenties and my dear aunt and uncle took me to a driving range. I discovered I could, in fact, hit the ball with some regularity and skill, with no lessons whatsoever. I now consistently play rounds in the mid hundreds as an attestation to this phenomenal natural talent.

I also recall my dear aunt swinging for all it was worth, while simultaneously letting fly with some good, loud flatulence. My aunt is a very proper woman and she was quite mortified, not only for having boosted her swing like that, but because her nephew and husband were rolling around on the ground, weeping with laughter.

Naturally I have never let her forget the incident.

Naturally, she takes great pride in having me removed from her last will and testament.

Fairs fair.

It makes me wonder, though, if this waggling before hitting the ball has some nefarious, deceptive purpose other than loosening up the swing muscles. I think golfers waggle to camouflage the fact they are releasing toxic clouds of intestinal gas prior to hitting, thus poisoning the atmosphere for their rest of their foursome. This is a good defensive measure I must admit, having used it once or twice myself.

So why do they call it waggling then? Why not call it what it is, or give it a sly new name like, I don't know, "Glurbing."

"Next on the tee is Dave Crawford, the famous humourist. Oh, and he's just glurbing before hitting the ball. Good one. That's a good defensive goff technique Johnny since Tiger is teeing off right behind him and he's already making a face...you can always tell a good glurb since the gallery claps before he strikes the ball AND after..."