Old
growth billboards are being callously destroyed in Westbank to make way for a
new hospital.
The huge
and stately billboards, situated in a beautiful location overlooking Okanagan
Lake, are home to colourful pictures, ancient fonts, and some rare advertising
sales-person species.
The
removal of such long-standing billboards, to make way for something as
frivolous as a hospital (according to protesters), has raised hackles in both
the environmental and advertising communities.
“Look at
the size of this hackle,” said one protester. “It’s standing straight up.”
“While
some of the advertising material such as slogans and seasonal sale
announcements can be recycled (again), most of the advertising will simply be
destroyed,” said a spokesman for one group. “This is a tragedy since everyone
has come to love the visual splendor of ‘Just across the Bridge!’ and ‘Next to
Wendy’s!’. They call this progress,” said the protester.
Efforts
to forcibly trap and move the rare species of advertising sales staff have met
with mixed results. Some of them have become so stressed they have been seen
working for radio stations. Others simply wind up down and out, working for newspapers.
“It’s sad
that these experienced advertising experts, many of whom can tell you from
memory the cost per thousand views of any billboard, are being displaced,” said
a spokesperson for one group or another. “Just think of how this will affect
the wine and spirits ecosystem, and the breweries for that matter. The
downstream effects of this situation are not yet fully understood and should be
studied before they’re lost forever.”
Yet
another spokesperson refused to answer my questions, preferring instead to work
on the spokes of her bicycle. “I’m really just a spokes person,” she said.
The
police are also wading into the controversy.
“Drivers
are being distracted by this development,” said Sergeant Major ‘Corporal’
Kernel. “Suddenly you have this bright, clear view of the lake, which is
blinding drivers who are used to the sheltering nature of the billboards,”
popped Kernel. “It is definitely a hazard.”
“We are
also having to deal with all the advertising salespeople as they wander around
offices downtown, abusing alcohol and shouting at citizens. Something about the
“Power of Outdoor” and other nonsense. We’ll be humanely tazing them soon, of
course, for their own safety.”
Only seven
thousand of these rare billboards remain in this roadside habitat, leading
environmentalists and advertising executives to form a rare partnership in
order to fight the destruction.
“These
old-growth billboards have been here since before trees,” said a protestor
wearing a tie-dyed three piece suit, knitted cap, and body odour. “They should
be left alone to quietly live their lives, distracting drivers as to the
location of the next McDonalds, or promoting the Holiday Inn’s $99 per night
special for residents seeking a dirty weekend getaway.”
A
Westbank First Nations spokesman said an exhaustive environmental review
process was undertaken prior to removal of the billboards. “All the plywood was
gently removed by the excavator, and most of the eye-catching advertising
material was gently recycled under the wheels of the dump trucks,” said the
spokesman.
“We are
also hoping to hire many of the displaced advertising professionals once we
open the hospital. Because of their experience in advertising, we feel it will be
an easy transition to handling bedpans.”
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